Who meditates? (or does Focusing?)
Sometimes I get stuck in Focusing. Usually this is because I have become identified with some part of me that wants something to happen - or conversely wants to avoid something happening. Or it could be the part of me that wants to understand. It can take me a while to spot this has happened. Once I do, the process invariably changes.
In meditation (which I don't do that often, I have to admit), it is surprising how quickly, even automatically I become "the meditator". I call it this, as it feels like a persona or role that I spent many years developing - not in any conscious way, but more through habit. A key quality of this part of me is that it wants to create a better experience. By better I mean "calmer, easier, less anxious". There is of course nothing wrong with wanting to feel calmer and so on but it is how this part does it that makes things difficult. This part of me is not that interested in being curious or accepting - it just wants to feel better and make difficult uneasy things go away.... at any cost. It is like this part of me climbs into the driving seat of my being and takes control. It is more subtle than this image suggests but is still a takeover.
For too many years, I charged ahead, identified with the part of me that wants to control to avoid pain and ended up pushing huge parts of myself away in the attempt to feel good. I wished it had worked, but for much of the time I just ended up straining and wanting...
It seems to me that there is a real subtlety of having an aim in meditation or in Focusing. It has to be held lightly and in relation to what is happening right now. Let's not use our meditation or Focusing to override difficult experience or anything that calls for attention. How do we know when this is happening?
These days when i feel a little stuck, I drop these enquiries into my process.
Can I say to myself - everything is welcome?
Can I say to any part of me "you can be there just as you are"
If I am with a difficult aspect of myself, am i curious about it?
Do I feel empathy for this part of myself?
If there is a no to any of the above questions, then I have something else to turn towards! and we can be curious about that.
Put simply. let's be conscious of who is driving our process...